06/01/2011 Chainsaw massacre

Another sensational sleep and we’re off to make charcoal. Yep, no rest for the wicked. Down the street we go to the designated spot for the what I thought was going to be a blazing Bon fire. A pit had already been dug and now it was just up to me to stack firewood in it. What did surprise me is once the firewood had been stacked and the fire started, rice seed was liberally thrown on top. This apparently brings about a very slow burning process and of course a lot of smoke. The greenies would have a field day here. 🙂 With this job out of the way I was curious about a new sound emanating from the direction of Bai’s house.

Upon arriving I found a rather tallish local wielding an equally large chainsaw. He was in the process of squaring up a round log. An OH&S note here. This man was not wearing any safety gear what so ever. What he was wearing were the Thai safety boots however. Yep, thongs. After all you never know what you could be standing in. A quick count of his fingers and toes led me to conclude that this guy was definitely proficient at carrying out the task at hand. I might add that the chainsaw had no safety features either. Apparently you stop by running it out of fuel. Or so it seemed.

With some gesticulating and some Thai words thrown in I concluded that Bai was wanting to construct a door of sorts. Given such a task I would normally draw something up and calculate the timber and hardware required and go off and buy said items. Now why do that when you can spend half the day basking in the glorious eardrum splitting decibels of this chainsaw with the operator running the gauntlet with every given saw stroke. Not even a call form a friend stating he had been cut by some sort of machine at his work was going to put this man off his game.

Credit where credit is due, this man definitely could work a chainsaw. After squaring the log he proceeded to cut six equal thickness planks from the log. Upon inspection they were all straight and only required a bit of finishing to be fit for purpose. This is where Bai took over.

As stated earlier there is no thought given to safety gear here. Bai went and got an electric hand planer to finish the planks. By all appearances this planer had been manufactured when Makita first commenced business some thirty years ago. Without ear and eye protection Bai proceeded to finish each of the planks. I had to leave him to it as my ears were threatening to shutdown.

With the sounds of the planer stopped I returned to the scene to assist with the construction of the door. Under the heading of not quite right (NQR) we proceeded to assemble the door. The first hurdle we hit of course was a lack of nails. With that Bai’s wife went off and bought some more.

We soon had the planking firmly attached to the door frame. Everything seemed to be going according to plan and with that I asked Bai where the door was going to be used and he said it was for the rice storage shed. However, we wouldn’t be hanging the door today due to the fact that he had no hinges. Hmmmm……. Where did the nails come from?

Only one thing left to do then. Whiskey see sip anyone?

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05/01/2011 The pram

This morning started somewhat slowly (as do most mornings). Speaking of which, every morning normally starts with the roosters bellowing at the top of their lungs. It appears that the one across the street from us is the ring leader. I’ve already mentioned that if we were to use him for our next BBQ night I’ll be able to sleep peacefully. 🙂

Once the roosters have got your attention they lull you in to believing that that is it. No, next you get an auditory attack from the village speaker system. The same inane song every morning prefaces a speech from the village mayor. I have no idea what he rattles on about and the locals don’t appear to be listening. Maybe he’s just saying, “hey guys don’t pay any attention to me, I just want to yank the farlang’s chain.” I wonder if there are announcements when I’m not here. Sort of like the falling tree in the forest theory.

I remember a few years back in Ho Chi Minh City they had a similar system and our tour guide told us about it…..

Good morning (imagine Vietnamese accent) my name Missa Bihn but you call me Missa Bean. You hear speaker in street and you wonder what speaker say. Speaker say Missa Bean, you help Vietnam if you only have one child. Go to hospital get free condom. Only one probrem speaker come on 7 o’crock in the morning and Missa Bean go to bed 9 o’crock at night…….

Now that time is marching on (06:00) we have to prepare the kao-niao (glutenous rice or sticky rice). We then gather up some reed mats and head to the main street. The reed mats are placed on the side of the road and then we sit and wait for the Monk procession to come past. The custom being that the Monks receive food from the locals in return for which they receive a blessing from the Monks.

Belief systems can be a wonderful thing and this one seems to work. For Nong Pai it seems anyway. I only have one issue with it, the handing out of the rice. You see the rice is prepared only moments before the monks arrive and placed into smallish reed woven carry containers. Once the Monks arrive the rice is still hot and handing a fistful of it to each Monk soon causes you to wince more than once. Again I think it’s all a ploy to once again bring some levity to an other wise serious moment at the expense of the farlang.

The rest of the morning passed as normal, eat & sleep. Yeh, the locals have it figured. Why try and sleep at night when you’ve got all day to do it.

The afternoon saw us taking a trip to the main city in the area called Kalasin. An interesting point to mention is that when you ask an Isan Thai where they come from a lot of them will respond with, “Kalasin”. This is the point, this particular trip to Kalasin was my wife’s second in her entire life. Wouldn’t know her way around there if you paid her.

This particular trip had a purpose as our Nieces’ son required a pram. It had been planned to wait for Nuch and I to arrive before purchasing said item so we could all agree on the colour and features etc. Yeh right. A suitable pram was found in Kalasin and my insistence on paying for it was met, I have to say, with some resistance. Although that soon wained and the new pram was graciously accepted. Diw does look pretty good in it I have to say.

Hmmmm maybe I have a heart after all……. 🙂

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04/01/2011 Fish and Duck

This morning I was invited for breakfast by Bai and his wife. By the time we got there four fish had already been BBQ’d and the necessary side dishes had been prepared. Bai has created a sensational outdoor setting using a Salaa (thai gazebo). Basically it’s a platform about two feet off the ground with a thatched roof over it. I dare say he probably didn’t get a permit before he built it.

That’s one one of the great aspects of owning land in Thailand, you actually own it. You want to build a new cowport? (Like a carport but you park cows in it) You just find the required materials and go ahead and build it. Besides, the way they build here it will look like it’s been there for years anyway.

This mornings breakfast introduced me to a new additive for the whiskey see sip. I’ve already had the (what ever it is they squeeze out one of the pig’s organs) yellowish fluid from the pig. Now it’s time for fermented fruit. What is fermented fruit? Well, basically citrus fruits left in a jar for several months I would say. They then scoop some of this goop out of the jar to mix with the whiskey see sip.

Whilst all this is going on everyone is obviously speaking their native tongue with no regard for the farlang visitor. Or the opposite as the farlang can’t understand Isan. 🙂 I will slip in the occasional, “what are you talking about?” Nuch will then tell me the topic of the conversation and then continue on in Isan. (Isan being a Thai dialect of the north eastern Thai province with the same name)

Tonight’s duck BBQ night will probably be pretty much a similar affair. The duck will be slaughtered before my eyes and then staked out over the coals using bamboo. This in no way reminds me of a popular duck restaurant back in Melbourne by the way. Soup will then be made from the internal organs as nothing goes to waste.

Whiskey see sip any one?

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03/01/2011 firewood.

This morning once again started in classic fashion as all the guys came over to our place as they must have known that there was still a bottle whiskey see sip left. Gathered around the new dining / picnic table they were still discussing the takings of the pig deal. Apparently there were a couple of people still holding out. I suggested that next time they work on C.O.D.

During the discussion it was suggested by Nuch’s cousin (Bai), that I come along to collect some fire wood. So off we went to Bai’s farm in a mid sized truck of sorts. It’s top speed would be measured in meters per hour if had to be.

Having arrived at the farm there was one crucial task to be performed first. Lunch. With that Bai asked me if I preferred BBQ or Tom yum. I replied that I would prefer Tom yum. With that said Bai grabbed a chicken and proceeded to slaughter it.

With the water boiling a drumstick and wing was clamped between some split bamboo and roasted over the coals. Doesn’t get fresher than that. The Tom yum finished it was now time to load the truck.

There was that much wood that the truck was soon full to the brim. That raised a poignant question. Where was the farlang going to sit during the trip back home. That question was soon answered when Bai pointed to the roof rack on top of the truck. Climbing up there was a chore – ladders don’t rate highly unless they’re made of bamboo. Having clambered to the roof we were ready to set off.

Seated comfortably on the roof of the truck we were soon presented with a new challenge. Dodging the overhanging branches. Well, keeps you alert. 15 minutes at break-neck speed and I could look back and still see our point of departure. This was going to be a long trip. Put it this way, a pensioner with a walking frame would have easily passed us.

Finally arriving back with onlookers smiling at the farlang on the truck I finally found out what was going to happen with the wood. Here’s me thinking it was going to be used as firewood. No, no, it was going to used to make charcoal. Charcoal is an expensive commodity here as it is used in the concrete lined cooking buckets.

So much for the carbon foot print…….

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01/01/2011 happy new year.

Sleep is a comfort commodity that is definitely hard to come by here. Karaoke is second only to the much revered King and not indulged in lightly. So you can imagine a village like Nong Phai with a town planning strategy based on chaos theory, and it’s locals all going bezerk with their karaoke gear. These guys don’t hold back when it comes to sound gear. Amplifiers just don’t come big enough to empower them to out do their next door neighbor. Fortunately for me my family doesn’t indulge in this nonsense. However that doesn’t mean you miss out. The subtle nuances of the eclectic Isan music certainly have a way of finding one’s ears.

So after a good nights sleep we received a visit by one of our nephews from Petchabun. (Note to self. Do family tree). With all the introductions out of the way he then started the rest of the proceedings off by opening a bottle of Sang Som. This is at 9 o’clock in the morning. I’ve now learnt that excess knows no time zone.

Later we went off to see some Ghai boxing. Ghai meaning Cock. Definitely a not a sport for the masses. There was no gambling involved and cheers were coming from around the ring for no reason that I could see. Two roosters jumping around a ring trying to claw each other is not something I would go out of my way to see.

We then went off to check out the farm and upon our return we were stopped by the local constabulary. These guys are volunteers that help keep the peace in the village. Four guys under a sun shelter, on the side of the main road, and, drinking, you guessed it, whiskey see sip. At least they looked good as they were all decked out in khaki uniforms. I was not surprised to see that one of the four was Mr Whiskey.

Help keep the peace…….?

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31/12/2010 new years eve

This morning started with a procession of monks passing our front door. Then a quick shot of whiskey and now for a lovely warm shower. Oh yeh, I forgot, we don’t have a shower and we don’t have warm water. Brrrrr.

Today should prove to be interesting as I’ve been invited to take part in the public proceedings leading up to 12pm. I received an invitation from the mayor and can’t read it of course. I have a feeling it’s more like a consent form allowing them to humiliate me in public. No, I’m wrong, they wouldn’t need a consent form for that. Will keep you posted on that one.

What started with a big build up ended up being not quite right. The public event was merely a couple of soccer matches being played at the local school. A VIP tent had been assembled and all the local dignitaries were present including locals who may have arrived early. A big wooden couch had been set up with coffee table and floral enhancements.

As the principal of the school sidled up next to me he offers me a brandy and soda. VSOP served up as if it was a cheap warm beer. By the way that’s what it ended up tasting like. He kept calling me his friend and that next time I come to Thailand I should visit him. Hmmmmm… I didn’t think my Thai was that good.

Soccer, hence forth referred to as footbon is definitely an exciting pass time for them. The spectators collect money and then offer it up as a trophy for the player to kick a goal. The thing is they’re not team specific.

Whilst all this was going on I was also being kept well supplied with the local beverage of choice. Whiskey see sip. So referred to as that’s the inferred alcohol content. (See sip is Thai for 40) Of course there is no official indication on the bottle. One of the local guys has apparently taken it upon himself to ensure I never do without the stuff. Hence forth he will be referred to as Mr Whiskey. Every ten minutes or so I get a tap on the shoulder and a, “Mr John, whiskey see sip bore?” So walking a fine line between offending by refusing or offending by falling over I graciously accept his offer. By the way the day concluded without my falling over.

The night was spent consuming more of the whiskey see sip and eating more of my pork……..

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30/12/2010 butchery

Yesterday afternoon firstly involved some negotiating relative to our yet to be established investment in what. Several, “What are they talking about?”‘s later and I’d figured out they were talking about buying a pig.

Around 4 o’clock in the afternoon we set off on several motor bikes, one with side car to go and pick up our prize pig. Having dutifully jammed our pig into a steel carry cage we returned home. It had been decided that the pig would be butchered the following morning at 4am.

Note to self. Don’t use a rooster call as an alarm ring tone when staying in Kalasin. You’ll sleep through it every time. Like I did this morning.

I was finally woken up at 4:30am by the sound of knocking at the door. With that I got up and followed my brother in law around to the site that had been set aside for the carefully orchestrated butchery of our pig. By the time we got there it had already been relieved of it’s life and was being cleaned. This all takes place on a bed of banana leaves and as you van imagine, nothing is left to chance when it comes to hygiene.

Parts removed are gently thrown over to another bed of banana leaves where said parts are then cut up and portions are then carefully measured out and bagged for distribution. I’ve got to say it doesn’t get much fresher than this. By the time the recipient gets the meat (home delivered I might add), it’s still warm.

All this takes place whilst an assigned clerk carefully documents the portions delivered and the money coming in. There is no possible way this system can be faulted unless of course a farlang is involved. I paid 2000bt for our portion of meat yet only 1500 was recorded in the book. When questioned, the clerk told me that 500bt had to be deducted for drinks. The latter being what they refer to as whisky see sip. Consumed in small shots.

Another sensational morning was had by all. Tonight I’ve been told that all the guys have been invited to our place. Guess what’s for dinner? If you sad pork you’d be right. After all we bought a large portion of it so it’s only fair they come and eat it. I guess I’ll have to spring for some more drinks as well.

Maybe tonight I’ll get some sleep……

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29/12/2010 Rat Hunt

Last night we set off into the rice fields to hunt the elusive rice field rat. These are relatives (most probably) of the all too well known city rat. However, when these little critters are bbq’d they can be very tasty.

I do think it’s the thrill of the hunt that gets the locals going though. Wearing home made miners lamps and armed with hand made flintlocks they set off on the hunt. Of course an event such as this is not complete without the appropriate amount of libation. I must stress though that my brother in law is very responsible with the firearms and he assures me no one has ever been shot, yet.

My wife’s cousin was suitably attired for the occasion wearing full jungle greens including bandana and brandishing a two foot long machete. He appeared to be expecting Burmese insurgents and was definitely an asset on the trip. Imagine if you will, gutting a seven inch long critter with a two foot long machete whilst balancing on a plank over a creek and you’re half way there.

My duties for the hunt included financing the liquid refreshments and……

I must say though sitting under the stars around a campfire seven and half thousand kilometers from my office, chewing on little rat bones is about as good as it gets.

Now a word of warning from my wife, “don’t get shot, I’ll be very angry.” I promised her that I would not knowingly stand in front of a gun and with that I was allowed to go.

Great night…….

Ps: We got three and I didn’t get shot.

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28/12/2010 new dining table.

Getting to sleep last night was once again an interesting affair.  My sister in law provided us with a raised platform to put our reed mats on.  We also put up a mosquito net, although by the time that was done the mosquitos were inside the net. Forgot to bring the aeroguard.  

It seems that the dogs have been breeding here and we now have quite a few of them in the surrounding properties that have taken a shine to howling until at least, only the farlangs are still awake. Remember bed time is typically around nine o’clock.  Having set the scene with everyone part taking in peaceful slumber, imagine my surprise when my sister in law complained bitterly about the muted ringing of a nokia. The latter belonging to her daughter – well, now that we’d arrived it did.  You would have been forgiven for not hearing the phone over the cacaphonie of the dogs outside.  Sensational.  I guess it all about environment.

Having had some sleep at least we were off early this morning as it had been decided a dining table was required.  With the financier in tow (that being me of course), we arrived at the local furniture manufacturer.  Once again, different than what you would first expect as the manufacturer worked with plaster and concrete.  Throw in the odd bit of marble and some gravel, wait for it to set and there you have it.  They polish the finished product while you wait.  We now have seating for eight and the seats are equally as comfortable as the bed we sleep on.

How do you spell cushions in Thai?…….